what I want 12/14/17

what I want, I really don’t want

but I didn’t know that until

what I wanted became what I got.

it seems only then

that I somehow realized.

now I am stuck with what that is.

really how does wanting work?

did I over-want?

what is it or who is it in me that wants?

there is the rest of me

that looks at the wants gotten

and almost inner laughs at me to my own face.

who is that of me that does this wanting

and for what did I get?

now I have the malaise of stuff

soon abandoned as if it was ever relevant.

there must have been a then

when it was oh so precious in the want.

now I have to live around

all the acquired from wanting.

some part of me is crazy to want.

I must be looking past what is right here.

when I think about it,

the want for me

is like a potential turn on switch.

I must be significantly bored

to turn to want.

if this is a learned habit of mine,

I certainly need to go deeper within

or be present enough

to see what is right before me.

want is a fool’s gold business.

yes, I can value it, over the short haul

but then it all turns into stuff,

maybe memorabilia stuff

but still just more stuff.

it seems I do want

but it’s frustrating.

what, in my most clear moments, I want

is something out of me

not something from the world for me.

how did that get so confusing?

it is as if the world is a trip

totally dedicated to turn me on

but not really.

just passing the time,

still waiting, still wanting.

it’s like I have an inner voice

that has a bullhorn.

it just shouts out this ‘I want’ stuff.

I know, just give it a rest,

but it’s not that simple.

it’s a habit, there is conditioning

and lots of momentum without much resistance.

want just jumps up and demands attention

as if there is a mandate

that I should be entertained.

I am tired of being the audience to this.

there is no real passion to wanting,

just a preoccupation into almost an addiction.

I don’t really want a life.

I want to create my life.

but the contradiction continues

and the paradox lives in my mind.

I don’t even know

if I am making any sense of this.

something deeper is going on in me

and I find it hard to attend directly.

want is really easy

but create is vacant and yet vast.

the search from within is for a drawnness,

something that commands and compels,

where I am an operative from within,

not knowing or wanting

an exterior want in mind.

I want what want can’t give me.

that, there is, the conundrum of,

I want . . .