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Wednesday, December 20, 2017

epitome of me 12/20/17

epitome of me
it rises up from inside
familiarity is all in shambles
interior panic accompanies my breath
my eyes see out
but inner sight is looming and larger
I hang on to being in my body
but this virtual is more relevant
a means for now
all the props of my previous life to now,
somehow displaced
my anchor of being has suddenly moved
the senses are in disarray,
yet still reporting
anguish, as an emotion,
is thriving somewhere inside here
that which was steadfast
now is ungainly and struggles
meaning is a flash flood, widely advancing
still want for mental stability by claiming reasons
the order is, clearly,
there is no order
but very steady in the scrambling forward
where has this been for my entire life
what was fundamental,
now seems a slight of folly
who I thought I was,
now broken open
fragments of self, floating in disarray
new discoveries, a given,
not to be put back together
as before, towards the same
deeper themes surfacing,
needing exploration
who I thought myself to be
subject to how’s and why’s of inquiry
who of me now works for whom?
what was I trying to express with my entire life
has a new source for discovery and claim
expectation is a broken record
but still playing
further in the background of noise
hurt seems so reactionary,
so as not to trust
my excitement does not have a face yet
feel volatile and edgy,
and not good company
want for what I don’t yet know
to come forth
not all together foreign
but also not easily received
I don’t have friends
from where this is in me
I don’t know of myself from there to share
I hurt further by letting go
but feels so good also
understanding almost doesn’t help immediately
I’m in phase, I guess
and my time is very liquid
I am crying on the inside
at the altar of you
but you can’t know what it really means
I hardly know myself
and yet here we are
I would like to be statements made before you
but I am in process
and can’t help but display
you are honorable
and I am becoming . . .
(maybe more so,
towards the epitome of me)






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