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Saturday, October 3, 2015

I know nothing 10/3/15

I sense but I know nothing.
It’s always there, very back there . . . there.
It’s been there all my life, that there.
It starts every next thing, as a fall back awareness thing.
Maybe there was a time I asked about
or tried to tell someone about it,
but nothing, no words, no one understood,
words were out of sort, gibberish like, maybe babble.
It’s like a something, a big empty something.
Sort of a vast something, more these days
but still a nothing, has no beginning.
Maybe it doesn’t even fade when a something comes!
It’s always back there, like a deep deep sky
but I am now preoccupied with what’s in front of it.
Yes the front stuff has meaning and story and talk-about.
But I have come to know that that back there has feelings.
That that there is, and has a feeling way it exists,
deep within me.
Still has never come to words, the right say
nor ever found real stuff to represent it.
Sure I get floods from there, like tears over something.
These days, more things bring forward those tears
to my rational mind… a blur and no account approaching,
and no central theme is declared or sneaky acknowledged.
I just shower in the moment
and make pleasant with what’s up
but I will wonder about the wellspring, claiming in doubt.
I swear both, it draws and drains me but lives on within me.
At one time, I wanted it to be a calling, a destiny
then I worried it was traumatic, held deeply in reserve.
It’s not like a religious thing that leads me to compensate.
No, when I am really calm inside, it is very spacious,
empty but vast and I do have feelings that live there.
I have often wanted someone to walk up and acknowledge.
I know it doesn’t fit into words, it wouldn’t be commentary.
My sense is, it would be a look, a shared look,
like looking through someone’s eyes to see what is there.
And what I now suspect is that they would look through me
and I would look through them almost simultaneously,
in an true old soul way of looking.
And we would see the same, be the same
and come from the same.
And there wouldn’t be any words for that!
But the feeling would be of a oneness truly needed.
Not even something thought of as shared
but a oneness that we all need and wish to know.
And for me, it comes out of nothing
but the feeling itself is deeply noteworthy
and wanting to be, forthcoming . .




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