Emotional to be free 10/13/15

I am emotionally in a lockdown from the capture by my mind. These feelings that are mine, that would surely fly skyward with lightness and glee, are tethered from liftoff. And eventually they live with clipped wings as if just cut-short memories. What would have been flights of sumptuous expression live as graffiti, cooling on my interior emotional floors. Read to myself as mutterings without the bearing from the moment of their birth. I am emotionally posterized with layers of these held in restraint as if these feelings are made of floorboards that give me a statuesque sense of emotional presence often presented as myself to others, standing close at hand. But really, I am an emotional three-ring circus yet no one else is admitted into this tent of myself. Although my tent itself is made of mental sincerity, strong and stalwart almost rocklike by appearance, it hardly allows any emotional expression to get out that is not soundly mentally approved. My mindful critique is thorough and mentally absorbed before verbal pronouncement is allowed. It is as if I am my own one-man media of political and rational correctness and I edit and release as appropriately as mentally deemed to be acceptable. I am personally forbidden to error in favor of clear and pure emotional expression though I am profoundly fascinated in its boundless pronouncement, coming from others. I am giddy with what I can hear but not formally my self say. Surround me with acrobats and clowns of emotional freedom and I am a pillar of audience appreciation, bleacher full of massive silent applause and clear eyed with shear joy. They are my mouth that never opens. They are my impulse in public acclaim. They are the woods of my bare emotional nakedness and the natural flow of my clouded emotional sky. I want to leave behind these statues and their poses of my prohibition, my emotional predisposition of withheldness, and the overcompensation of mental sincerity I put forth. I want my life with emotional charisma from within to sponsor me. I want my self to say my feelings, and given wings to cloudless flights. I want my gift of touch to match my feel, my verbal tones to reflect emotional paintings now in process from within me. I want my stoic to melt down into essences and fragrances that spellbind me into self love and self loved shared. I too, find me as viewless as if emotionally captured yet readily able to give emotional sky underfoot to others in every passing. My heart of hearts feels that way ongoing. And with this acknowledgment to myself in writing, how to set myself, stone by stone, pose by pose, feather by feather, moment by moment, to a now, emotionally expressive and free to be in wholly here and I, in your readership presence, to be as resoundingly true to myself, deep into the grounded core of me . . .