If you get what I really mean 12/6/14

I think of think as being intrusive. How’s that for self-consciousness? Think is extra. It is above and beyond the call. Think generates burdensome. It’s like when you shop with someone who is an avid buyer and you, as the Good Samaritan, begin to help them by carrying purchases made by that other party. First you have to feign interest in each said purchase and then lug it around, creating new ways to carry more things while appearing to be interested in the next new initial purchases yet again. Think is like that first person shopper! I am not opposed to think like let’s not think at all. I want to get behind think. There is something more interesting than think’s popup interests. There is an awareness of constancy. Well awareness gets me in the door but there is a vast presence, intricate and busy with an expandedness. All of the mass of me goes there all the time. But I have limited access to it if fully at all. I’m there but not. Genuinely can’t catch an edge to think about it. It feels like I am one dimension shy of being. Yet it is steadfast and faithful within me. Experience, it seems, is not entitled to go there. I have to give up some sense of that even to venture. Basically I have to let go of a ‘me’ concept totally. All of the distinctions and depictions as a means don’t help with this at all. Basically what it reminds me of and to do is this; I used to be afraid of drowning in the ocean. And I fought all the time for me life whenever I was in it. I struggled for myself with the water, to float and to breathe. And one day, one time, for no reason, I just relaxed and discovered that the ocean held me buoyantly, that the ocean spoke in ebbs and flows and I could relax and go with that as if I was one with it. How did that happen? All the years of struggle and effort, for what? Well experience is kind of like that also. I know there is this ocean beyond or behind thought and I am part of it but fighting it all the way. How do I surrender into what already is that I profess by denial as my conscious life? It’s like I need to surrender my self-consciousness in order to clearly pursue my consciousness. And that is exactly why I think my think is intrusive, if you get what I really mean . . .