Humans say,
“choose your parents wisely.”
Well, I’m not exactly sure
what that specifically means
but it’s my segway into,
“dogs, choose your owners wisely.”
Here is a rough list
of keen things to be aware of
for potential owners
as “owners” is another one
of those human terms
that I have also dog adapted.
To start with, look for extroverts.
They get distracted easily
by other humans
and therefore you have freer reign
right under their cheery yappy faces.
Next, find people who have glasses
of moderate strength
so that when the glasses are off,
which they will do frequently,
they don’t see well and therefore
you have better access to stuff
on the ground all around
much less
they don’t know exactaully
(hmm, that’s a funny word!
Well, maybe it not!)
Anyways, so they don’t know
where you are
and what you are up to!
Also, and maybe this is
at the top of your list,
find owners, mainly the one
who usually feeds you,
who also has
somewhat limited motor skills.
Why? Well, these are the people
who spill foodstuff
off the kitchen counters
onto the floor with great
and continued regularity.
They are clueless to notice
as you discreetly maneuver yourself
into chow down positions
on the casual sweep
to a new position
of distant observation
for said activity to continue.
Remember, the better your nose,
they more important to notice this
in your potential owner.
And if it is a family with kids involved,
try for a family that has twins
or multiple amount of young kids
close in age
so that they can’t really put
much attention on you
in the melee that is at hand
as a daily basis.
Also the more kids
at these younger ages,
the greater the mess potential
for you to rove and devour.
But I am not saying
you want to be totally ignored
by the adult owner per se,
for you do want some regular exercise,
petting attention and bonding,
but, food rules!
Here is my secret formula
to doggie-dom success.
Learn how to use your body
to pet their hands.
And I mean all of your body,
from head to toe!
Get this down good
and you can be really sloppy
in other ways
and still make out like a bandit!
Now, some of the fallback blessings
to hope for are,
an adequate space
for private day time peace and quiet,
nighttime sleep-alongs
with human accompaniment,
people who adventure
on a somewhat weekend basis,
and of course,
one persnickety owner
who is hell bent on vitamins
and positive vet health care
for yours truly.
And lastly,
always work on facial expressions
and eye-to-eye contact,
feigned attentiveness,
it seems to matter,
and very lastly,
it is better to understand and respond
to the tone of their voices
rather than the instructions
they seem to constantly give out!
Happy life, dog-on-it!
and thrive, buddy!
p.s. always compare notes
at the dog park
if and when possible,
you know, when they’re over there
gabbing away in a group
with each other.
And they think you’re over there
smelling each others’ asses . . .
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