Hey, do my death for me?

(All that is parenthetical

is inwardly said to oneself)

Hi!

(Hey do my death!

I came to visit you

with my version

of how I fear my death

through you as yours.

Yea, you have your particulars

for the way you are dying

but I have my fears

for the way you are expressing it.

Yes, I feel badly for you,

the way I will miss you in my life.

I know it would be nice

to just be here with you now

but, you’re dying in my life,

brings this all on for me.

I want to help so

that I feel better about myself

and my circumstances

because yours will become mine.

I know this is all wrong

and that I should be here for you

and just be here with you.

But under these circumstances,

I am uncomfortable in your presence

because it brings up

all kinds of stuff for me!)

So . . . how are you doing ?

(I guess this is my way of hiding out.

No, I want to be here

but all of this gets in the way.

I mean you are really important to me,

but all of what this means,

gets in the way.

It’s like what this really means

gets in the way.

I just want to be here with you

but I am flooded

with these feelings and images

that make me want to run for my life.

This makes me feel very shaky

and ungrounded

and embarrassed

for the way I am acting.

I am so sorry about this

and yet I am perplexed

at the same time.)

Really, . . . I need to go.

(I feel just awful

for the way I am acting.

This can’t be helping.

I don’t like being this way.

I am not meaning anything by it.

I’m just feeling lost

and stupid about it.)

I feel like I should go.

I am so sorry,

please forgive me.

(for this mess of drama,

but I wanted to be here

and be strong.

Well, that didn’t happen

did it?

Now I wish I were dead!

I mean not really

but damn,

I should just shut up

and go away.

My life and my culture

did not prepare me for this!

I don’t have dying

as part of my living.

I stand here

in front of the reality headlights,

in the dark of what to do,

startled by all of this.)

But hey, your dying

is part of my living.

I know that now!

But I am caught

so off guard.

Please,

I just want to close my eyes

and have you

do my death for me?

This is really very sad

all the way around.

My emotional world

is closing in on me.

I feel claustrophobic inside.

I want to run fast and far

before it all caves in or something.

Sorry but I am going blank

out of here.

You can’t do my death for me!