The Ride… (from inside the womb)

I ride within the creation ocean

and feel for the variety of fluids.

The constants and the containments

settled beneath the pounding sounds

from up above me

and a cacophony

of quirky squeamish noises

from below/behind.

But mostly I feel for the nutrients

as chemistry,

as an environment

of emotional states

piped in and ongoing

as a confluent dialogue

of stimulus to me,

to my accommodating series

of responses.

I have no language for this.

I respond by acclimatizing myself

to the input.

I interface with this constancy

though unnamed to me.

I am trained by frustration,

nurturance, fatigue,

fearfulness, surroundings, delight,

anxiety and peacefulness

but never quite the stillness

or seeming of quiet.

I know of these things

but they are all unnamed.

They all have distinctions

as I have response

but nothing really of comparison

just different unto themselves.

I know them better as familiar

when they are happening

and forgotten when they are not.

Outside influences have a prominence,

increasing almost daily.

There is a kind of compression

but I know it best

as chemistry of feelings,

where I match

what appears to be near

as comfortable and comforting.

It is like all things are

a form of entrainment,

are an expression of me

as this is my growth, ongoing,

reaching towards a fullness

but I know not what that means.

Just a pitch increasing and rising,

a compression response

to what is around me.

Fluids, tissue, and structure,

shift and reshape me.

Some things are fairly constant

in small cycles of differences

and then return.

I hardly attend to them any more

yet identify with them

as sometimes me.

I hear distant sounds more clearly.

There is an intimacy

to what is around me,

very indirect yet familiar.

From time to time

there is a second environment

just outside

of my immediate environment

that has more variety

but also repeats itself

with great regularity.

It is not so above and below

as sounds by orientation.

It features close, very close,

and far away

while my environment remains constant

in expansive contraction.

This second environment is expansive

and varied,

less high pitched but more virtuosity

in the sense of variety

and complexity of elements present.

I don’t know quite what to make of it.

It suggests space

I am not familiar with

yet vaguely I am.

I have a widening lantern

of sense as I grow

that tells me how all these places feel

but I do not experience them very strongly

like the first environment.

Sometimes the two seem to be one

but not consistently.

As I move more,

I feel like I move physically less

but I sense more

of the second environment

as curious and interesting.

I almost assume the former

and reach for the latter in passing.

Sure the humming within me

is strong and resounding

as more of an orchestra

of energetic parts

present within me.

It feels complete as it is

without movement to express it.

It just is and I am of it

and also sometimes

in movement with it

but contained.

I attend to the subtlest shifts

in chemistry

as if it were flavor and taste

and make some association

with those elements

and the second environment

as influence.

I have no conclusions per say.

I have repetition.

I entrain.

I still feel separate

from this hum busyness

but I also identify with it

almost constantly.

In the very far

and very deep sense of me,

I sense others like me, close

but distant in some ways.

There is acknowledgment in like kind

but not by direct exchange,

just near and deeply similar.

I don’t know what that is

but it centers me

and I feel that if everything else

were taken away from me as stimulus,

that would still remain.

It is hard for me to turn on it

and notice anything

because it is of me

or the one who would turn.

So there I am again with no new input,

just there and beaming.

There is so much of it that is constant

and ever so slightly shifting,

never to return.

But I do not long for

or miss what just happened,

I have my next time as now,

so fluidly and so soon.

It is hard to be remiss,

there is so much going on

if I cared to be bothered about it all.

But mostly I am concerned

about the second environment.

It has my attention

most of the time of late.

I seem to have matched

the nutrient chemistry

of my first environment

and then embrace the second environment

as somehow complimentary to the first…

Somehow.

I don’t have details

but differentiation is happening.

I have empty sighs.

What do they mean?