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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Mary Kathryn Murphy 3 of 4

(spent a week with her

some 20 years later after leaving)

there has been no recovery

or release from the earlier then.

I have realized

her limitations to interact,

having more of a sense

of her internal means.

She has handled me

as another death around her.

Most every reference

to others in her life

is as a medical description.

We had amazing familiarity

over vast distances

of little shared meaning.

We are comfortable of being

but no common ground.

I am more penetrative now

into her life history

and her tragic circumstances.

Didn’t know if my parents

were ever really married.

Realized she had no clue

as to me for then or now.

Her most outstanding response

after a week of hanging out

was for her to ask,

“now you don’t deal drugs do you?”

which I found to be

instantaneously comical

but truly sincere on her part.

At that point

I was forty ‘something’

and she meant well.

She prayed a lot

from both a fearful

yet righteous place

within her means.

I was captivated

and stunned at the time

to realize these as some

of her basic life themes:

death is always around her

as abandonment,

her usage of religious relief,

poor-mouthing as a self account,

loving with

limited love-giving skills,

rigidly defined perceptual means,

apparently friendly

but primarily bound

to be very private of means.

I felt compelled

and complete to leave

though not empty

but filled with psychic subterfuge.

The message for me was,

“give pure love, no waiting”

for there is/was no dialogue

to unfold

or any deep mystery

right at hand.

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