We said what we said

Hey, we said what we said

Sure, we said it in anger,

with frustration

but no audience.

Sure, we were both acting out.

And now it seems

we are acting on it.

I mean now I have to do

what I said I would do.

And you have to do

what you said you would do.

I can’t believe

this is actually happening.

I mean, for myself,

I don’t think I meant

what I said at all,

not even in the slightest.

And I don’t think

you really meant

what you said either.

It was more the torrent

and the blast of it.

I was hurt

and I know you felt hurt.

And I was feeling

you were the cause of my hurt.

And I wanted you

to know about it

in a big loud reactive

obnoxious way.

And obviously

you were doing the same.

It was like,

we were out-shouting each other

with bigger helpings

and more furious hurls

all from the same smallness

in each of us

that we were each feeling

pretty much at the same time.

There was an apparent lack

of awareness, interest,

or concern on behalf of the other.

Damn,

and now we are on it,

as if it were true.

I am more deeply stunned

and privately hurt

that what was possibly true then

is even truer for now.

This is not believable

that it is true.

This is so contradicted

by most of all

of our shared experiences

that have preceded this,

especially in the recent past.

How could I have taken

all that has positively occurred

to be so false

when it felt so right

and connecting?

In recoil, I am miffed

and stung hard.

I feel physically heated,

filled with babbling questions.

No, this is not true.

I do not believe this is so.

Something is wrong

with this picture,

this storyline,

this as happening.

I cannot explain it either.

How did we get to here?

I am sick all over inside.

I feel helpless

to do much about it.

Sure I said what I said.

And you said you said also.

But for myself,

I was really saying something else.

I was speaking

more in peevish tones.

I cared less about the words

and more about

the reactive feelings.

Nothing said was truly honest

but more about the circumstances.

I was blowing off steam

about my shortcomings

based on my upbringing

and conditioning

and blaming it on you

in some roundabout

unconscious manner.

Maybe you were,

in your own style,

doing likewise.

What an unbelievable mess.

I don’t know

how to mend it.

I don’t know

how to retake

all that was said

and clear the air.

I wish that none of this

had ever occurred.

We can never be

in the same light again.

I just wish next moments

could be like before any of this

for us to continue,

no matter what

the sacrifices needed

to make it so.

It may be just idealistic

to think that that is possible.

But that was the way

I was feeling before

we got into this ruckus.

How the hell did this start?

I am still deadened inside,

just thumped, squished,

and physically somewhat numb.

Please be my next words

coming out of me.

To say that I am sorry

and that you hear me.

Even that for now

would mean so much.

Surely I would take the blame

if that be needed.

Yes, I can understand

where you were coming from.

Yes, you were right to say

if that’s where you thought

I was coming from.

Sure I can go away

if that is what you want.

And maybe I deserve this

just as long as I know

that you are okay

with yourself over this.

I can accept this outcome

even though it is not at all

what I would want

or would have wanted

to happen between us.

I would want to look forward

with the possibility

of us reconnecting

with concern and respect.

For what I have learned

from this as it stands,

is for us to come together,

that we may have grown,

and for this to never occur

on either of our behalves

ever again.

These kind of hard lessons

can draw a wealth of caring

if learned from the heart.

Every moment we share

is auspicious for both of us.

What I have taken for granted

about us is now circumspect

and will have further reflection.

I have discovered

a deeper place within

from which to give,

but I have not honored it

by how this all came to pass.

My lesson is initially

for me in the first person,

and I receive it as such.

In your presence

I am now grateful.

May I take it to heart

and redeem myself

from such unconsciousness

and self-doubt.

Hey, we said what we said.

We are and were always free

to be whole and sharing

of spirit in every way.

I would always choose

for us to be that

with you in mind.

Whatever you say

and wherever you are

feel blessed and honored

by my heart

from now forward.

If we find a way

to be together after all of this,

then I would also feel blessed.

Time will mentor our souls

Somewhat adrift but by fate,

sharing in the same ocean,

under the same sail,

maybe in the same boat

as we arrive as us afloat.

Once again as with always,

I looked to the horizon

of the next moment

to find in us

the source of our being . . .