candid admittances

I am in the first person

as we all are by deed.

I am only here to say

what we all might say

as candid admittances . . .

I see any social environment

as an immediate distraction

as I am eventually the anguish

of all people near me.

This consensus as suffering

wears on me ongoing.

It is not personal

but collectively unconscious

yet I embrace it

as if it were a sacrament.

It is where I am called out

but not essentially up.

I hold to this belief

behind my life’s enactment.

I am a psychic sponge

turned dry upon myself.

I cannot cope or forgive

what I do not face.

What I do not know

as first hand, is my face.

I seem bound up

by the unconsciousness

around me.

I was as happy

as others were happy towards me.

Surely I can speak to it

but do not deeply source its origin.

I do not see my higher self

in parallel to it often.

I make tentative assumptions

about my relative worth.

I must have had an expectation

that I call out as me.

I sometimes see the world

for its denial of my being.

I have lied to myself

to recapture what I claim as lost.

I live to justify

what I could not express directly.

Maybe I indulged myself

with a loss of boundaries.

I would have accepted titillation

way before simple passage.

I have my private wishes

for sacred worth,

but I act on them

with my apparent denial.

I was the energy

but I ‘wanted’ to be the energy more.

I did not discern the differences

within impressions coming my way.

I do not give to myself

this permission to be free.

Maybe my self-permission is towards

expression of personalized pain.

I give attention towards satisfaction

but not directly towards spirit.

I think of the truth

as if my mind serves only itself.

I wanted understanding

to be a valid passport.

I have thrived on riddles of fantasy

to conquer my layers of stress.

My complaints have become

myself personified.

I would tease my mind

and then demand a judgment.

I loved the mood of judgment

that my father would have loved.

I know there is a God

that makes it hard for me to be.

My heart is now awaken

to what feels through me,

but I am also sad

that feelings weigh so heavily.

I stayed away from anyplace

I was overly sensitive to.

I am not the grounding

for my emotions to just run on.

I will break my heart

by disappointment for it to open.

I want to cry my song

until there are shared tears.

I want to convey my struggle

into the birth of a new day.

Now I am all my feminine attributes

with really nothing to do.

I wanted that life was a connection

with each one of you.

We are all that shared oneness

individuated and diversified.

I am asking you now

please do not hide by circumstance.

A dream in me is a gift

of your aliveness shared my way.

Come visit with me from beyond

what the situations declare.

Stare into my soul

and call out to me by name.

Where is my God 'me'

that I can unleash its zeal?

Where are my selves

that I can personality surrender to?

I am a spirit

as haunted as any of you

but call my name.

Let my channeled being

be a servant of this circumstance.

I want you all to give in a little

and let me be some magic.

Let’s make my walk into your life

lighten your load.

I want what you want;

to inspire myself

through me to you to me.

I am the simply shared,

that is what I always wanted to be.

Where you are my process,

you are also my vital means.

I can give you relief

that you then can give back to me.

I do not actually realize

the essence of this connection.

My ideal state of selfishness

is our collective whole.

You can go ahead,

and play the practical joke.

Think of me as separate.

I’ll run ahead

and candidly count to ten,

and then you can read arrive . . .