Hurt is a method

hurt is a method of carriage

for me

it is to bring to the moment

what I was unable

to originally bring

to the moment of then

 

that as I was     

for then . . .

 

for I was not current

but projected

I was not present

but presenting

I was not of it

but attending

falsely posing as myself

yet quite privately

feeling foreign

and portrayed

 

so this then    

a form of overcompensation

as I claimed myself

to be within it

was featuring what I liked

and I had fantasized it

as some of my reality

into this setting

by attempts at concealment

from my past of disappointments

that that then

presently represented

 

I did not see

into the method

of hurt from then    

into the whole of the picture

but saw only that

which was made up

of my disclaimers

 

claims against myself

that I made up

from previous self-judgments

that held me back

from that now

and into the next now

yet I was not freed

by embracing it

 

for how it was    

was because

‘all of how it was’    

is somehow the convolution

of the claim

and that was a tally mounting

as a momentum held forward

against myself impending

with justification being as

the busy work of now    

to represent me

 

it is a mix of denial

and projection

as a twisted fix of now

with a cluttered sense

of composition

in a ‘was/will be’     

nothing-current passing

and I was nowhere

really present    

tethered to reactions

and posing

as my self guardian

for that cause

just working a premise

of downside unworthiness

and a momentum

of self as style

encumbered

by all of that

as unjustified

but none the less

as an affective method

of hurting

yet acting as though

not a sense of deep concern

and obviously not the claim

or the case for it as cause

 

but that personalized pain

is just that

that that is the unresolved in me

and it is somehow embedded

in the cast of the culture

that passes

as my acceptable

behavior’s undertakings

shared with

and directed towards others

 

it is as a private con of them

by its superficial claims

and a self-sabotage

in its lack of personal conviction

and these appearances

though mutually exchanged

are the subterfuges unnamed

and we     are all hurting    

internally hurting

to the degree

that our private

hidden embarrassments

can carry us on as it forward

as an almost unconscious

hardly knowable agenda

 

and we believed it

to be adequately concealed

from others

and yet constantly revealed

to some of those

who are of the same

 

that this hurt as it lives on     

is by its method

a hand-me-down

from one person to another

from one generation to the next

a hurt behind the content

that conceals itself

a hurt within the secret context

that propels it

 

in a shadowy world

of private moments that surface

out of the grind

behind what appears to be

but this hurt is only a method

a restimulation of a deeper source

what then could it possibly be

without a more original cause

and thus a deeper explanation?

 

spirit of this journey

bring it forward into view

let me bathe it

into past existence

as it becomes my sentinel

for this as clearing to occur

and a messenger

taking me into an expanse

of the purer source as light

for I am now aware

that this hurt is only method

making sacred my journey

coming back to source